The Voices Are So Loud
My head is hurting please give me a Tylenol.
Lately, I’ve been noticing my head hurting. Not only that, but how I always seem to wake up around 2 or 3 in the morning. Almost every night I do this. Last week was the full moon and let me just preface what I am about to say by telling you that I do not believe in astrology. They, those who keep up with astrology, say that the moon can affect us emotionally too. A group chat with four of my girlies brought up how everyone is feeling a bit anxious. One of the girls mentioned that she has been feeling off, which I was like girl same! but played it down by saying I did start my cycle the night of the full moon. A couple others said they also have been feeling off as well. Life would be so easier if we could blame the moon and planets for the events in our lives. Just to put the blame on anything but ourselves. I have not been feeling down and out, rather just sort of anxious or stressed as I ruminate on past events and people’s words. My mind won’t stop bring up negative moments like it’s an OCD habit of mine, which I’m pretty sure I do have. The mental OCD not the physical one where I have to wash my hands like 100 times a day.
This Is How It Works by Angel Olsen is playing and man do I think this is one of the greatest songs of this millennium. A sad old sounding country song about feeling like you have hit the ground again and struggling to get up and dust yourself off. And wanting help from another, but also just so over with asking for help for the sake of not seeming like an annoyance or burden. Which to me those are synonymous. To reassure you, I’m not depressed. I think that having to bring up terrifying, traumatic, and distressing events in my life is starting to get to me a little. Even while being on Fluoxetine. Surely though, I am not spiraling like I would be and can share to my therapist about my experiences without feeling like I am about to burst into tears. Another contributing factor to being reminded of past people and events is still seeing them online, even if I am not following them.
I would love if social media did not recommend me anyone, I’m looking at you Tik Tok. Also, for the love of god, do not put things they repost on my For You Page. I do not want to see anything they find funny or want to bring awareness to. Let me pretend that those people are dead, please. They were last seasons characters! I get enough of emotional distress when I talk to my therapist and now I feel like I’m microdosing that stress when they pop up on my social medias! Stop it. You might be thinking well I can just block them on everything. Yes, I am fully aware of that feature, but here’s my thing, I do not want to give them any more of my energy. The people that are not in my life anymore should not receive anything from me and that includes a block from any of my social media accounts. I want to ensure that I do not care about THEM at all, that I do not think of them enough to do such a thing.
In time of course, I will just move past all of this and not have to mention it. For now, I do because I’m with a new therapist and psychiatrist and need to give them some background on me. This is all so brand new, just having to reflect so much on myself and others to come to realizations and understandings. All this work to try to rewire my brain. *sigh* Soy consado, but nothing in life is easy. Truly, I do believe that I am learning to recognize people’s red flags and not stand for it and be passive. This includes my mother. She has mentioned something to me last week that I cannot stop thinking about and at first it made me a bit ashamed, but then just in an instant, I came to my logical senses and thought well, no I have done nothing wrong here.
“ You know ever since you started seeing a psychiatrist and talking to a therapist, you have been acting differently” is what my mother said to me. Naturally, I felt bad for my actions, but then realized I literally did nothing wrong. I did not yell at her or use profanity. She just sort of over reacted and she came at me. I do not want to go into more detail than this. I was just talking at a normal talking volume and explained to her something that I was going to do with my food and she instinctually, got loud and upset and a bit aggressive. It’s nothing out of the ordinary though, she has always been like that. A lot of my family is like this, so it something I have been desensitized to some bit, but she did try making me feel like I was this terrible new person because I am getting help. My mother doesn’t believe in therapy and has told me several times that only you can make yourself happy. While yes, that is true, but it does not happen over night and I cannot simply just think positive happy thoughts and have the motivation to do normal things sometimes.
She is very much like a person that has the mindset of like you’re only upset because you are choosing to be upset. Which is so dangerous and toxic as I see now that it can make someone really disconnected from their emotions or even the reality of their actions and others. Not to pick my mom’s brain here, but I see that the reason my mother reacts the way she does is because of the shit she has gone through in life and she never really had a support system at any point in her life. And while yes, her words and actions upset me sometimes, the only thing I can do and choose to do is see her as she is and accept it. I will not try to change her as I do not believe I can do that to anyone nor should I, She is my mother and I will let her be. She’s gone through so much, just let her talk and not respond to it or point out anything. Sometimes giving your silence to a person does a lot more than words can do.
To just go on a side note or completely different direction. I do not wish to change the dynamics of our mother-daughter relationship. In the past yes, I wish she could be a person I can easily tell my problems too or not get upset at me and understand the anxieties I had in my adolescent years. She has taught me so much in my life that I am just now comprehending. Yes, being in therapy has been extremely helpful in seeing things for what they really are, but I have come to several realizations on my own time. Realizations that shape my own personal morals, whether it just seeing her actions and being like okay well I do like how she does this or no I do not believe thinking like that is healthy or helpful. Which now I feel like a lot of her mentality has shaped me into OR trying to not be so pessimistic or cynical. As I can see how it can only put stress onto your mental and physical well being. It is also hard to shake that mindset if you have lived in in for so long.
Not only has her adult life shaped her to how she’s been my entire life, but her own childhood has been a HUGE stressor that she cannot let go of. To give a minor background, she immigrated as a child to the US and didn’t have much. Plus, she lost her parents at a young age and was raised by not the greatest older siblings. So she was stuck in this life of not having much and seeing the world in a cynical lens. Yeah, so like I said I’m just going to let my mom be and accept her words and actions and make my attempts of not letting them upset me. I think I am doing a great job so far.
I want to leave off, share really, this article by Alex Zaragoza that they wrote for the LA Times about Immigrant parents and the cluttering of their house. It is an interesting read I assume to those who have an immigrant mom or dad. The article talks about where the scarcity mindset can stem from and people’s own experiences with their parents. Take this as my media of the week.
Decluttering your parents' home and their traumas
Have a good rest of your Monday. (: