So Here I Am Again...
another birthday, another june 14th, another point to stop and reflect
…another strange period in time during my birthday where I can’t stop thinking about the present and the future. So many big life events have been happening all around me- to various family members near and far.
Lately I have been reflecting on specific friendships. Recognizing certain actions and how I deem them- the emotional motivation behind people’s actions. This then is making me come to terms that maybe it is time to let some go- as much as I find it difficult, there is some sense of clarity and logical thinking now. I believe my frontal lobe has just now fully developed. If you are about to turn 25 soon let me tell you, you are not all of a sudden going to start thinking more sensibly. Quite honestly, I did not start to do so and speak out for myself until like 6 months in of being 25. Until I traveled once more on my own, dated a few more people, and have a true achievable life goal +stopped believing my old dreams were not at all a pipe dream.
As my cousin out in Virginia had her babies at the beginning of this month, I am now thinking again about motherhood. Yes, I have thought about this before. A lot like two years ago. I am, by no means, believed that I was ready for a whole ass human that will be tied to me for the rest of my life. No, I was just thinking about how maybe, possibly that I am okay with just being a mom. That maybe I should just quit everything in life, settle down and become a mom. I was very depressed and hopeless. I did not know what else to do with my life. I did not want to live my own life to be honest. ANYHOO lets deter from that. haha uhhm
Theres different topics that flood my mind when I think of having a baby. I think of how it in a way can show off wealth. You must certainly have a secure and large income if you want to have a child. But then I think well that cannot be true. There are millions of people across the globe that have a child or children in the poorest conditions. Like it is in their culture, that it’s a part of life, parenthood, and if you go against it then you are deemed as weird or irrelevant.
Where I reside in the world, you need a lot of money to raise a child. That is clear to me. So then when I see and hear people that are the same age as me with a baby I am dumbfounded. Wait I thought we all were struggling financially here? What is wrong with me? Nothing. It makes me feel as if I am so far behind everyone. Older Gen Z are having children and buying homes while I am still feeling like a child. I remind myself that this is not the majority of my generation. At least not yet, give it about like 20 more years. We are all still very young. There is no one track for a life. All lives are different and unique. If I acquire all these things that would deem me as an adult ie a baby, house, marriage -would I be satisfied? Is that all it takes to make me feel like I am acting my age? Would I feel fulfilled and alive. The answer to all of these is a big fat N O.
Plus, I have to remind myself: am I capable of having such things? Would I be ready to take on such big life altering things? Not right now, no. If not now, then of course someday I will. I will come around.
I wanted to also hit on the topic about how I feel like men will never truly understand any of what women have to endure when pregnant and all the way through when the child is out of the womb and beyond. Maybe I am being cynical and pessimistic here, I don’t know. Or maybe I’m right as hell. A man will never understand and cannot empathize. As much as a man can help the mother, it just still isn’t enough for me. The whole pregnancy -the physical and mental changes. The endless and unpaid job of motherhood. Always being the first person to fix a situation. To be be selfless and put others needs before yours. And several other bits, but I am already getting angry just by listing these ones already. I whole heartedly believe that we do not need men to raise children.
If you are a close friend of mine you probably heard me say how I do want children one day, but I want to raise them on my own. This stems from watching my own father raise me and my brothers and my utter disgust and disbelief one can actually put in as much energy as I can into nurturing and raising a tiny human. Yet, underneath it all I do have some doubts about if I am right. If my child does not have a father figure in their life will that somehow affect them as they grow old. Put simply, will my child have daddy issues? Some defect in their brain where it makes them an insecure person and constantly needing validation? Not being self sufficient? Being a distant cold person?
None of that cannot be true. It must not be because why would only a man presence be capable of molding a person one way or the other? No. I contradict my own contradiction. It must not be true.
That is enough thinking and reflecting about this topic for now. I’ll do it all over again next year. Anyways, reader… today is… drumroll please! MY BIRTHDAY! I am now 26 years old and my plans for today is going to see Inside Out 2 and going to an art museum as I am out of state this weekend. Just for funsies. To visit a friend that I have not seen in about 3 years. Im off BUT of course before I go…
Some of My Favorites ATM:
everything is romantic - Charli xcx
First of all let me just that ALL of these songs on the new Brat album are hits! Even the three extra songs she released the other day. But this song specifically is my favorite because it sounds so simplistic lyrically as she is listing things that she has romanticized. She is just a girl who is in love with her life. The sound of it sounds very much like cheer music if you know what that sounds like hahah. Just very brash, loud and pulsing. It starts off with a beautiful orchestra though and all of a sudden it hits you and the song becomes totally different.
Van Leeuwen Ice Cream
Specifically the flavor Vegan Planet Earth. It is a matcha ice cream with something else that was not described to me in store. It really does not taste like matcha but instead a Go-Gurt. The yogurt from a childhood that came in a plastic tube. It’s nostalgic and delicious!
Tights
There isn’t any picture or any visual to share for this because well we all know what they look like. I am in loveeeee with wearing the sheerest tights. It makes me feel so feminine and like I am from another decade. No one seems to wear tights- or pantyhose i guess, anymore. They elavate your outfit! I really do not know why we all collectively stopped wearing them. It is an extra step when you get ready, but hey I wanna look cute and dress fun so I do not mind at all.
Alright my beautiful readers this is it for the week. Thank you for reading. Hope you all have a lovely June 14th <3