Resisting and Carrying On

trying to keep my peace, not falling back to past lives, and my journey with "healing"

Going on antidepressants was not a choice I would consider at this point last year. Therapy, I have tried for a brief moment in the past when I was at one of the couple lowest points in my short lived life. This journey that i’m talking about is all brand new. It is something that I have decided would help me tremendously, getting help from qualified others that can help me get to a point in life where I can live easier. Meaning, I have clear boundaries that I stand by, realizing when it is time to leave people, not feeling down right hopeless and like I cannot go on anymore. I have become so tired of saying it’s a hard time again. Finding myself in this cycle of being alright and then falling into a dark isolating depression. Resisting the urge to fall back to my old coping ways and point of view and figuring out how to confidently just go on with my life.

I don’t want to explicitly say events or any details from my past to get you to understand my reason for resorting to antidepressants and therapy. Not only is it because it’s unnecessary, but also because it’s just something of my own that doesn’t need to be shared with the world. I think themes of my problems are something that is very universal and you might have experienced some of it. In a general sense. That is all I can say. When serious problems arise I tend to think that there is no use in going on, there is not light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I go back to this low point as a result of something. Other times, it just happens. I have everything I need to live a comfortable life, but I go into a month or two long depressive episode. It is a cycle I can’t break. Different tactics or activities can help me out for a bit, but within a few months I go back to how I was feeling and acting. Running, hiking, having a schedule to do certain activities, socializing, journaling, saying affirmations to myself when I wake up, being grateful and recognizing what you have in life right now. These are all things I have tried many times to shake myself out of my episodes and anxious brain, but it became not enough. My heart was broken for the last time over the summer. For the last time I would feel this low and resort to harmful thoughts. What I recognize is a new found sense of bravery and maturity. You cannot do this alone anymore and see that you need help.

Finding a psychiatrist was my first step. It was a process to find her through my health insurance I can tell you that. After talking for a bit of my situation and taking a short test, she prescribed me fluoxetine. Fluoxetine is the generic version of Prozac. A SSRI usually given to people who struggle with anxiety, OCD, disordered eating, just a few things to give you an idea. I have been on it for two months. My dose was kicked up a bit after a random anxiety attack I had a few weeks ago. My thoughts on how I feel are that I truly do feel like I have motivation to do a lot and things do not bother and upset me as bad. Something happened literally yesterday that made me a bit bummed out, but god I just know if I wasn’t on it, I would be sleeping, rotting in bed so I wouldn’t have to deal with any negative thoughts.

My second stop in this journey was finding a therapist. Taking medication like this is not the one solution to combat my disordered thinking. Talking to someone who is qualified and has experience working with things specific to me is also crucial. They go hand and hand into helping me get to where I want to be mentally. Finding her was also very tough and a long process, but now that I have her. It was worth all the work. At first though, I was so nervous. Being nervous is valid because it’s terrifying to be so vulnerable. To say to someone of upsetting and scary events you went through is not easy. How she talks to me makes me feel safe, but not only that though. When we talk I feel so heard and understood. She allows me to take my time and find the words to how I feel. To which she brings a new and healthy way of seeing things and how to just do things in a way that is beneficial. Which I mean, some of the things we discuss are said and recognized, that’s the first action. The second step is saying, “ okay, now how can we rewire my brain into making this my reality instead of an idea?” It’s a lot of work that has no specific deadline. You can’t really put one in a situation like this.

This sort of “healing girl” era of life is very new as I started both of these treatments not that long ago. Knowing this I have to understand that things are going to happen that will hurt and upset me. Instead of thinking and acting like i’m better off gone or completely far from where I am, you have a choice. With these new tools that you are working on you can control how you react and see things for what they really are. To help you live a life where you feel comfortable in your surroundings, in the people you surround yourself with as well. I’m talking very broad and vaguely, but I want myself to realize you ultimately are the only person that can control how you feel. You can get help, but you are the only one who is doing the work because it concerns you.

I’m learning to let go of things and accept when things are over. Also, to create stronger boundaries and not let people cross them. There are a few other things from the past that power my ability to not do so, but the things I just stated are a starting my starting points.

Anyways. have a good rest of your Monday. :)