Carrie's 2023 Audit
going through what has happened and what I understand now
SORRY FOR NOT POSTING YESTERDAY. For like the 5 people that actually read this. I also am kicking myself because I truly want these blog posts to be routine for me, to see that I can have a hobby that I won’t toss away within a month or two. Let’s just jump right into this audit, i’ll try to keep it short by writing a few things. As the year comes to a close, right now seemed like the perfect time to reflect. Also, most certainly now, I comprehend events and experiences for how they actually are. I have some tools under my belt thanks to therapy. Not a lot, but some.
My audit contains these ideologies/thoughts:
It’s better to be lonely than neglected.
Oh man was this year stressful due to the treatment I received by others: An ex boyfriend, old college friends, and room mates. Having to end all of these relationships was terrifying to me solely because my brain was wired as a child to be scared when people leave, despite the bad treatment I receive. Losing old friends meant my life would shift in a way to be less sociable, or so I thought. I wouldn’t be going to any shows or parties in LA anymore. OH NO! Losing old room mates meant that again, my social life would decline and I would have to be living with the rents again. Absolutely terrible, right? Losing an ex boyfriend meant to me that I wouldn’t have someone who I get to be open and vulnerable to, that I have to do things on my own. That there would be no one beside me when I wake and fall asleep. No one to accompany me on small and big things. How sad, huh?
No. Not at all. Yes, at first it can seem very scary to detach yourself from people because that’s how I was living for some time. I became accustom to making the sparse love and care from them and creating a false understanding or excuse really to their actions by saying that is how they are, so I must accept this as love and/or a great friendship. Once, I realized I was sort of being treated like a doormat, not being considered, just not receiving the same amount of energy and support, seeing the lack of thought I have in their minds like I do not exist or matter, it hit me. Letting go of people who don’t add to my life became easy. I got the ick for these people and didn’t regret my actions or words.
From time to time they pop into my head, mostly the negative parts. It was easy to let these people leave my roster of friends, but it does take work and time to completely forget about them. I tend to ruminate on bad experiences just as much I do with good ones with shitty people. And thinking of good experiences with people that have created so much damage to your mental well being, I believe, stems from trauma.
It’s better to be lonely as that is a feeling, it will pass. I was not truly ever alone. My circle of people has become smaller, yes, but the quality of life has increased tremendously I think. Better to have a few or couple of friends that value, support, and respect you as much as you do for them.
* im not saying that you should do so much for people because you simply want to or out of the goodness of your heart and not expect any of it return. I believed in that heavily in the past. There should just be a close balance in all relationships.
The friendships with women will always be better than with a man
Simply put, women get women and know how to express what they think and feel in a clearer way than a man can. Quality of a friendship is much higher. I’m not a misandrist, though y’all be dense and test my patience all the time.
No one thinks of you as much as you think about yourself.
This should be taken in a positive tone. From time to time, I make the silly mistake of taking things personally. Why? My brain wants to overthink everything. From a persons facial expression, tone, quantity of responses, actions, body language, it all must be analyzed unwillingly. People’s actions, mannerism, etc are all by nature and they, most of the time, have no idea of it as it can be originating from their subconscious. You are not being considered all the time. Also, like something you said or did that made you embarrassed, I can assure you they forgot or didn’t realize.
Your ED brain still occupies a small space in your head
Certainly, the old thinking is alive as you learned from the summer. There was a moment with a kid I looked after that made me think to myself, “shit, this kid is right,’ and made me come to my senses. To give background, it was a more relaxed day, meaning not as much walking as previous days. We had lunch, which most likely was a sandwhich as that is easiest when camping. Three hours had passed and we went from program to program, still there’s a lot of walking involved and inclines. My campers were having their pool time, that was before dinner. There was still a lot of time before our next meal, but I was feeling hungry. Out loud I expressed this, plus how I shouldn’t be because we ate like a few hours ago. This child said to me in a naive, innocent, reality check tone, “ we’ve done a lot today though.” I responded by telling her that is true and it made me worry that I was somehow subconsciously shedding my eating disordered brain onto them. I doubt it though, this new generation of young girls are so level headed and kinder than my generation at their age. Or maybe they’re just Girl Scouts.
I try not to let myself get sucked in by the dark and mean ED monster, yet I find myself still body checking and looking at nutritional labels on food packages. Progress is still being made, I just need to give it more time than I thought. I don’t count calories nor do I restrict myself to anything anymore, it’s just old habits of mine that I can’t shake.
To give an example, checking the food label on things is like habitual, yet I disregard it as I eat it anyway, even if it’s not “clean” or low cal. An example of this could be like those Füm vapes for smokers that are trying to quit. You get to still have something that looks and feels like a smoke, but not containing any nicotine in it.
See that was short, right. There’s more, but I could be sitting here writing for so long. I picked these to share and discuss with you as I see them as some of the most important ones to me, that are shaping me into who I’m trying to become. A new version of myself.
Oh I just love how I realized how life is all about learning. So many lessons to be learned.
Remember to be easy on yourself, take rests, don’t take things personally, be kind to others, drink water, and tie your shoes.
Have a great rest of your Tuesday.