When someone goes out of their way to blame you for a situation knowing it was made by them. When someone doesn’t want to take accountability. When they try to manipulate you into thinking you are a bad person and guilt trip you into questioning your sense of self, LET THEM! Save your energy and time, that is not a person who respects you. There is nothing you can say to them that will make them apologize or treat you better.
But Carrie wait! -what happened for you to say this? You’re not making any sense right now.
Well there has been a few bumps in the road- big ones that gave me whiplash. I want to say unfortunately, but ultimately, these experiences are for a good change. Making me aware of what a good friend is and taking a moment to reflect on all of my friendships.
I need a place where I can dump my thoughts. I know I said that in the last post that I should be more thoughtful of where I share things; only put them in a place where no one else will see it. I’m not being mean right now. I am not calling anyone out. I haven’t seen my therapist in two weeks and gotta let some thoughts out:
Inviting all of your friends to a special occasion -despite a bad relationship between guests.
Personally, I will invite all of the people i know and love, disregard any history that my guests have. You all are here for me. Let both parties know that so and so are coming and let them decide if they still want to go. If you think it is somewhat easier on everyone to not include someone or some people, that is lazy and mean action to take. Have some guts, communicate with everyone. I do believe that my mentality of having to invite everyone comes from my own fear of being left out or forgotten. Am I not thinking rationally, realistically when I do this. Frankly, I do not care. My feelings of empathy for some1 left out(and being a people pleaser) override reality.
Forgetting and bailing on set plans, with other things that come up that make life difficult.
Being blatantly irresponsible and a different person when I am around. Why did I have to come up with solutions to your problems? When I suggested them you did not think any thing of it. Rather than trying to talk, you let your emotions get in the way and you shut down. I keep asking questions because I want to stay in the know -i want to help you, my dear old friend. But it upset you. The entire weekend I kept questioning whether I was a good person or not. What did I do wrong? Why are you threatening me with leaving me? A fear of mine you know very well. Never was I asking for you to make me happy, never, I just wanted you to put in the same time and energy as I did to be there. I took time out of my life to come to yours for a minute. Then at the end of it you go ahead and hurt me even more by manipulating me. Making me think that I am a selfish little child.
I don’t think any of you were trying to purposely make me feel bad, I know deep down that was not the intention behind the actions. All week I was just thinking about how easily these experiences can turn me into a bitter and jaded woman. Having these heavy feelings feed into my OCD. Anxiety going through the roof, having her tell me- see it is a gut feeling, your anxious gut feeling can see all these complications way before it happens. Everyone is going to hurt you all the time. Never EXPECT in return as much as you give out. You are a mean, bratty, bitchy little girl. You deserve all the terrible things in life!
I took some time to myself. thought some more. “None of this is me” I say in my head. Over and over. There are people who love you. People who show up when they can. What you ask for in friendships will never be too much. Don’t close yourself off to people now, continue being open and your true self. If they don’t feel comfortable with it and want to leave, let them leave. Do not apologize and fix someone’s feelings when they misunderstand you. Let them feel their feelings and not understand you.
You must be vocal and should always if there is a problem. But carrie please, let people think what they want of you. You can defend yourself at times yes, but at the end of the day you do not know what a person is thinking and never will. It is a waste of time and effort in finding the perfect words to convey your feelings in a precise way. To be as honest and open. You dont know why anyone does anything right, that goes for words too. If you become too hung up on these interactions you are going to make yourself sick. Falling to bottom of the depressive hole you are climbing out of, that you have been climbing out of.
The only thing I have left to say to you miss carrie is that you have to continue moving forward in life. This is your life that you are living in, with YOU as the main character. Stop thinking about others and how you play in their life. Continue moving forward. Show up, listen to your friends, give them the attention and care you have been giving. If it is not reciprocated, you don’t have to accept it. If it fizzles out and you are being tricked into believing the labels they give you, then take it and leave.
Sure, tell me I lack empathy and compassion for others.
Yes, go ahead and call me a mean girl.
Okay, so you think I’m messy.
Fine by me. It is fine by me because none of these I know and those who care for me so much also know that is not me. I will let you think of me like that. I will be on my way now. Have a wonderful rest of your life.
It truly felt so hard to leave people. As much as it hurt me and drained me to stay in contact, but something in me is now like woken up. Life is long, people come and go. You make mistakes, you live and learn. Always, until your last few days here. The main I am trying to make to you carrie with all of this jargon is that you need to focus and hold tight to things that make you happy to be alive. It is none of your’e business to focus on what others think of you, you know it only contributes to your anxieties and opens up past wounds. When you hold that to be true you are being extremely mean to yourself. Be bratty by standing your ground, only getting what you deserve. Be bitchy by speaking up for yourself and prioritizing your self. Be a mean girl by leaving them after you tried so hard to talk to them, but they wouldn’t allow it.
You know well, better than anyone, what is true. Your true sense of self. Which is a lot of things. Things that contradict each other, because being a woman is a complex thing.
Now For Some of My Favorites ATM:
A Good Used Book
I heard about this place back when they were a pop up at brain dead like a couple years ago now. If I remember correctly, they obtained a space in Echo Park and set up a permanent shop. It a cute little shop with the friendliest, most helpful staff. Here, as the title goes, you can choose from a variety of literary genres of older copies. All lightly used and packaged up to preserve them until the next person gets their paws on the books. You can also find zine’s from local artists, if you are into that.
Check out their instagram here to see what is in store and what events are coming up!
Steve Mcqueen - Prefab Sprout
I can’t get enough of this band. My favorite songs on the album are Moving The River and Bonny.
Little Dipper
Okay this is a bar I went to last weekend in downtown Houston. I just came across it when I was walking on main street and thought it looked cool, but also it weirdly looked familiar, which sounds impossible and total bs but it gave me a strange sense of deja vu. What constitues as my favortie right now is my experience and service. LMAO. I came in from another bar and decided I would have one final drink before retiring to my hotel room. A cider. I sat with myself and the book I was reading at the time. Then the bartennder started chatting. I noticed the books along the wall behind from where I sat. The whole wall was lined with books. Absolute heaven! He explained to me why they were there and said I could take one if I wanted. I browsed for a few minutes. Came across Lord of The Flies, which I never read in hs so, I just thought now is my time to. Free book, why not. I sat and read the first few pages before I got on my way. I just felt safe in there. No one was bothering me, the employees were kind and seemed genuinely care about our convos. I got some “swag” from them, which one was a sticker that I of course slapped onto my nalgene already.
Here is their Instagram if i piqued your interest and ever find yourself in dumb old Texas.
If you made it this far, thank you. If you are new here, I welcome you. If you’ve been here thank you than you THANK YOU. I love you all. Have a good rest of your monday. Remember to be a brat, ok? And drink water, it’s summer now and the heat has been no joke.