Anxious Attachment Makes Me A Mean Girl
oh no! what have I done now...
This past week I did not have a therapy session. It is almost as if your therapist can see the future, know that life is going to throw some curveballs at you( or maybe you did it to yourself), and say they are not available. Just when you need them the most. I messed up this week. I was in my head too much and got scared, anxious more like.
so what has been plaguing my at the moment? what now could possibly be happening in my life that makes me sort of resort to a depressive moment in time(not episode) despite being on an antidepressant for more than half of the year? well surprise! We are on the topic of friends once again!
This time around it’s not so much what someone said or did to me, but me actually. I am sure all the other friendship problems I could say the problem was me depending on your point of view. But for this time it was my actions, indirect and direct messages left around on different platforms online.
To give you a backstory of what got me to questioning if I was a good person or not: Put simply, A friend of mine went out for drinks with her friends for her birthday. Some of the pictures from the night went on social media in a recent post of hers, along with other pictures from throughout her month. I commented in a silly, petty manner,” you had a party with out me!” Written just after I left an I love you comment. Then the evil insecure me headed to twitter dot com to dump my hurt feelings somewhere. I use this site as a personal journal. I am delusional in the way that I use it as my journal thinking no one will see my tweets, but on the contrary, I am realistic because I know from time to time people interact with my posts. I tweeted something out in spanish, the delulu part of me was like thinking that people will scroll past it since it’s in a language that is not English. hehe was I wrong-o!
About 15 mins later I got a text from my friend explaining that the drinks with friends is what she mentioned to me a few weeks ago.
My internal monologue went like: Okay, fair -but i am hurt and have terrible FOMO because from the pictures I made the assumption it was a mix of friends but that is okay if I wasn’t invited. No cool I promise I also am making the assumption that YOU my friend didn’t ask me because you knew I would be working. As that is what I am usually doing on the weekends.
I saw the text but did not open it. This was happening whilst on the way to my brother’s graduation and I was giving my mom directions + my dad would not stop calling me as he was in the car with my other brother. I was occupied with all of this.
And just then my friend sent another few texts not too long after the previous one I mentioned. These ones I saw had a photo attachment with it.
My internal monologue: Oh my tweets. She saw them? she’s said she doesn’t go on twitter. What? Oh god am I a bad person? I am a bad person. You are always treating people like shit. Why do you keep being such a mean and bitter person. You will never change, despite you being in therapy, you will never change. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON. YOU ARE A MEAN GIRL.
That is what was bouncing around in my head, along with a bunch of past memories with old friends that I deem as examples of me being a bad person. In my last session with my therapist we were discussing this. The whole past memories skewing my perspective of me. In that session and the days leading up to this incident that this post is about I was fine with my past actions and ending of friendships. I accepted what had happened was in the past and it does not constitute me as a terrible-mean-girl.
At this time my phone was beginning to die. I have to explain what I was feeling and apologize before it does. Being as honest and clear with my words I sent over an apology. My phone died not too long after, life kept going on. I was in my head, putting myself down for the rest of the night. Once I got home after the festivities, around 9 pm, I charged my phone. Awaiting a response from my friend. Texts were coming in, just not any from her. The next day I was not feeling any better as I let myself continue to believe I was a terrible person and I am losing another friend. I wanted to send another text. Thought about it, realized that the ball is in her court, I do not have to do anything, it is her move now.
At the end of the week I got a response. Laying in a bed that is not mine, I read it. I went out that Sunday morning by myself to get breakfast. Ate alone in my car and rereading the texts. Things were made clear, there was a lot of assumptions going on. I sent out a text. My mind was racing with so many thoughts, so many things I want to say, that I want to finally bring up about our friendship. So I sent over a voice memo. Now that was a bit scattered- I believe to have been talking in circles at some points. It was all the truth, I was speaking from a place of genuine honesty.
The rest of the day we were able to communicate to each other. We are on good terms now. I really am trying to be better at communication. I know that I have improved greatly, the way I told of some guy instead of just taking his inconsistency behavior is a perfect example. I have no problem speaking out and advocating for myself when I am being treated poorly, if it is clear and if a man is doing it I guess. What I need to do more often, what I can improve on is just thinking before saying or doing anything. Just take more time to process things before reacting.
I do not know exactly know where to go from here, reader. Sorry. My mind is sort of now just going to thinking about people and their manners. This was the theme of convo I was having in the girlies group chat.
What am I saying now? What can I be on about now? I’ll save it for next week.
May this be a reminder to me and everyone who subtweets. Just keep it for your journal. Dump it there instead. No, a digital journal does not count. Paper only. For your eyes only.
Now For Some of My Favorites ATM:
Tears Dry On Their Own - Amy Winehouse
So this past week my mom and I went to the movies because she wanted to see Back To Black, the new biopic movie. I had very low expectations for it. Movie is not good and does not paint Amy in good light. If you want to know everything about the woman just watch the documentary that came out in 2015 called Amy. Anyway, after seeing this it got me into listening to her music again. Revisiting some songs I discovered in middle school, such as the one I put up above.
…Annnnd that is about it for favorites. I really haven’t consumed any media lately. Or gone out to try new things. OOPS!
Okay beautiful readers, this is where I leave you for the week. Have a wonderful rest of your Tuesday. Remember, always communicate what you are feeling, drink water, and check to see if your shoes are tied! Okay, bye! Muah!